PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> A Blindfolded Chimp With a Pencil in His Teeth: September 2005

Friday, September 23, 2005

In a very real, and legally binding way.

I'm sorry. I suck. I build up all this jazz about a funny anecdote and then I don't deliver. Your interest level couldn't have been very high in the first place, but you still humored me participated in my little vote-y thingy, and now here you sit, reading this.

Like I said before, I've got this new job. Well the first three months are entirely classroom training. Eight hours a day. In the classroom. Learning about policies and procedures of claims adjudication (calm down, calm down. I know your heart is racing at the very thought.) and also we must gain a basic knowledge of all the body systems, how they work, and how to recognize when they are not working based on reading medical records. I'm getting quite the crash course in how to have a dull, dull daily existence. To make this all the more fun, we will have a series of five tests throughout the three month period, during which I must maintain an 80 average or better or I get fired. We had one of those tests this week. As such I have been somewhat preoccupied, and have neglected to post. I will happily share, however, that I bent the test over my knee and whipped it like it was naughty. I got a 98. As of that moment, in my own head, I became a god among men.

So how're you guys doing? Really. Tell me. It'll take two seconds. How you doing?

The story will be up next week, and a new round of voting can begin.

Love,

David

Monday, September 12, 2005

I slept with the author of A Blindfolded Chimp... and all I got was this stupid blog entry named after me.

Sorry to keep you guys waiting for the first big story, that is, assuming you care (I lie in bed at night and stare at the ceiling and tell myself over and over again that you guys care...). I really appreciate the participation in the voting, but now there's all this pressure to write an at least moderately interesting story. I mean, I've got people willing to light their hair on fire if this thing is good. So couple the pressure with the fact that I have already started on each of them a couple of times when the vote swung the other way, and you can see where the delay comes from. I have decided that the winner is #4 because a) I have written more of that one and b) the afforementioned offer of voluntary cranial combustion was, i feel, sincere in feeling if perhaps not in actual intentions.

To fill you guys in on a bit of my life which I really haven't been doing:

  • Stephen and I are having a pretty good 'ol time in the new crizib though I see very little of him, what with his theater and his girlfriend and his video games (hmmm which item on this list seems strangely out of place?)
  • Coming into week 2 of the new job. The first THREE MONTHS will be classroom training, which may indicate how incredibly mired down in excruciating minutia this job will be. I will not complain, though, because they will give me money for doing this job... which is nice of them.
  • Said job requires me to be at my desk at the unholy hour of 7:30 in the morning. I have not been getting up this early since high school.
  • I've been going to the gym three times a week. My muscles aren't getting bigger, but the good news is I'm always really tired when I leave.
  • I acquired an impressive case of Poison Ivy last monday playing disc golf. I am so proud. All the chicks dig my oozing sores. Added bonus: I itch so bad I can't sleep at night!!!
  • I cut my hair yesterday so now i look like my profile picture again rather than the shaggy-haired bearded thing I had become. I realize that none of you knew any different, but I match my picture again, so please get excited.
  • I'm pretty tired.

Well I love you all with every little teeny piece of my body. Hug your knees close to you chest, look out the window and gaze into the distance as you think of me...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

I have done alot of stupid things. Most of the time, when viewed in retrospect, the stupid things I have done have resulted in some pretty funny stories. Often I find myself recounting one idiotic offense or another when I am gathered among friends, and usually much laughter is had at my expense. That's okay. I like making people laugh, as long as it's with me, not at me.

I've decided to share a few with you, so and you can sit back, fold your arms, and think how it's a wonder I'm still alive. In order to shamelessly invite more comments, I'll call for your participation. A reason behind your choice is welcome, but all you really have to do is type one number.

Which would you most like to hear first?

1. Did I just kill my mom?
2. And now we have a river of flames.
3. When car is in motion, please keep steering wheel attached.
4. Is it hot in here or is my head on fire?
5. Sarah Hubbard stepped to me and I punched her in the mouth.
6. Dad, the good news is, I fixed your gun...

Oh, there's more, but we'll start with these.

Let me know and I'll post one soon.*

*Eventually, when I have recieved enough votes to justify the effort.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends.

I, like Stephen, just wanted to re-announce my not-deadness to everyone out there. His computer is all hoarded in his room so I am having to issue this announcement from my desk at work. Please admonish him accordingly. His computer should be in my room.

What's that you ask? Work? Me? What? Huh?

Oh yeah that's right, I am once again gainfully employed, and this time I'm working for the government. Neither god nor man's got anything on me now.

Whoops. Gotta go.

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