Back off man. I'm a scientist.
Well it's been a terribly long while since I posted last. If you are reading this then it means that you haven't given up all hope that I might return to the keyboard. You guys really should find better ways to spend your time.
I don't have a whole lot to entertain you with this evening (morning) but it's late and I can't sleep and there's a computer where I'm staying tonight so I thought I'd poke around on the old qwertypad for a bit.
I've been surfing the web for about an hour now and I've ever so gradually followed a train of thought (with an origin I can no longer recall) that has led me to several sites with lists titled "Rules to Surviving a Horror Movie" or some variation thereof. I have found these lists to be mostly repetitive, and rarely are as eloquent or insightful as I might like.
As such, I have decided to mark my re-re-return to the this page with a re-hashed topic of questionable levels of interest or intellectual merit. Remeber as you read that in my list I will assume that you already know you are in a horror movie. Otherwise, you would not be consulting such a list as this one. This should explain any overly cautious tones you may pick up on.
May I therefore present...
BOSEPHUS'S RULES FOR SURVIVING A HORROR MOVIE
1. Don't check to see if he's dead. If he's dead, you'll know it from the completely severed head. If head is not severed, sever head.
2. Never split up. Like refuse to split up. Even with everyone else in the group wants to. Raise hell from the moment the suggestion is even made. If everyone else shouts you down (and they should have to shout), and you all form a plan to go in four different directions, just nod and agree. Then follow someone anyway. Never split up.
3. You might find yourself alone and sneaking around a dark hallway when all of a sudden something jumps out at you and scares you half to death, but it turns out just to be another member of the group accidentally bumping into you or something and giving you a patented horror movie fake scare. At this point, if you have not just killed your friend, a stern lecture is in order. Things are scary enough without a bunch of numbnutzes stumbling around bumping into you.
4. If you hear a noise, and you cannot readily identify the source, assume the worst. Do not ignore the noise, and certainly never move to investigate. Heavy gunfire in the general direction of the noise is not uncalled for if a firearm is handy. If a working phone is nearby, call a cab to take you to the nearest police station or military fortification.
5. If you go to check the fridge, be sure to stand far enough away to be able to see behind the fridge door when you open it.
6. In the same vein, keep some sort of weapon in you bathroom medicine cabinet. This way when you close the door to reveal the killer standing behind you, you will be nominally prepared.
7. If any, ANY appliance or lightsource suddenly begins acting strangely in any way, leave the house.
8. If you are fleeing a spooky area, and suddenly find yourself in a yet spookier area, there's certainly no need to slow down and note the sudden increase in spookiness.
9. When fleeing on foot, it may be helpful to find a point in the distance to run toward. Run as hard as you can toward this point without stopping or looking behind you.. When you reach said point, without slowing down, pick another point to continue running toward. There is no need to look behind you. In fact, assume the killer is right behind you and continue running. Inevitably, if you trip and fall, it's because you've not only abandoned the basic priciple of looking where you are going, but added thick woods and darkness to the equation.
10. Come to think of it, don't run into the woods. Try an open field or a well lit parking lot. Or better yet a police station.
11. If you for some reason stop running and look around and no longer see the killer, that's worse, not better. Stalking monsters are known for their tenacity, if for nothing else. He's still after you, only now you can't see him. Run faster.
12. If you are fleeing to safety, and your haven finally comes into view, now is the time to do what runners call "sprinting it out." This is not an appropriate time to pause and breathe a sigh of relief. In fact, I'd suggest you go ahead and start screaming as loudly as possible.
13. If an article of clothing becomes snagged or entangled, remove the entire object of clothing. Whining and pulling at a snagged sweater sleeve virtually guarantees death.
14. Back to mirrors; if you look in a mirror and see a) no reflection b) someone else's reflection c) an additional figure in the reflection d) though time and/or space or e) any combination or the above, leave the house. In fact, break the mirror and then leave the house.
15. If you find an entry door that was previously closed to be suddenly and conspicuously ajar, then yes, he's in the house. Leave the house through that door.
16. Splitting up the group to look for a missing group member (especially a member that rebelliously wandered off on their own) is the stupidest reason ever to split up. See? He left the group and never came back. The fact that you're having to look for them in the first place is in itself an argument for not splitting up. Screw them.
17. Anyone with a sibling knows that the best way to hold a door closed when an intruder is trying to get in is to put the side of your foot at the base of the door. The palms-out leaning technique never seems to work too well.
18. Learn to use a doorknob. Grasp the knob firmly and calmly, then rotate the knob fully before attempting to open it. Wasting precious seconds jiggling a knob that apparently works perfectly (since the door inevitably opens just as the killer lunges) can only be blamed on user error or perhaps mild retardation.
19. The only thing stupider than having trouble using a working doorknob is spending more than half a second on one that is obviously LOCKED. No amount of jiggling or pulling a locked door will unlock it. I maintain that the locked/unlocked status of a door can be ascertained while running at full speed.
20. By all means, if you find an unlocked door and enter it, lock it behind you. This is the only excuse for a pause in your sprint for your life. A pause.
21. Don't drop keys. If you have keys, find the correct key as you sprint for the door. If you get to your house or in your car and drop your keys on the floor as you fumble to find the right one, I hope you do die, and Darwin would agree.
22. Hitchhikers are own their own. Stopping is a bad idea on so many levels.
I am tired now. Please feel free to give me suggestions or ideas I may have missed. I will likely continue to add to this list in the future.
Love you.
posted by Bosephus Jamiroquai @ 3:29 AM
7 Comments:
23. If you're a minority, give it up. You have no hope.
:D
24. If someone has neglected their blog for 4 months, assume they are dead and keep running.
25. If someone has been unfortunately let go from their source of employment, do not check their blog everyday assuming they have nothing better to do than give you internet fodder to read.
Damn, I'd be so dead by now.
Welcome back.
Glad to have you back, and with such a funny post.
To go along with #23 from Antonio I would add "Slutty girl" ie "if you're a slutty girl, give up"
26 or 27
Do not be the drunkest guy at the party, camping trip, or sleepover, etc. They always go early due to inadequate hand/eye coordination, antisocial behavior such as wondering off from the group, or a combination of both.
Ben (the drunk guy)
I MISSED YOU! Welcome back. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, disappear like that again. I will come looking for you.
I'm still rubbing my eyes ;-)
At least you came back with a post that made me laugh out loud at several points. The people in my room are looking at me awkwardly.
Now if you can just manage to make this a healthy habit... like you would with, say, a bowl of Total every morning.
Addendum to #3:
Just because the Fake Scare turns out to have been perpetuated by your dumbass friend or the unnecessarily creepy cat, do not assume you are automatically out of danger.
Chances are, the second you catch your breath, a machete will suddenly crash down through your friends skull.
Instead of pausing, grab that dumbass friend and keep moving.
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