MOOoooox, ah've known you mah hole liiiife.
Happy Birthday Ben.
Hello readers. Welcome to David Sloan's school of driving. This is where I will give you advice on how now to be an astounding moron when behind the wheel of your car. I will type till I'm tired and update this periodically. It will no doubt become a 600 page tome by the time I'm done.
Brakelights, Signals, Signaling, Lane Changes, Turning, and Being a Moron.
If you don't have working brake lights on your vehicle, don't get on the road. Stay home, go in the bathroom and give yourself a swirlie.
Use a turn signal. If you're going to change lanes, use a turn signal. If you're going to make a right turn, use a turn signal. If you're going to make a left turn, use a turn signal. It's right there. By your hand.
I don't understand you people. You can always be counted on, no matter what, to use your signal when you're trying to claim that parking spot at the mall. You'll throw that blinker as soon as you turn on a row and try to roar over to the spot before someone else can do the same thing. Now we've got two cars at a head on, blinker-to-blinker stand off. This is how I know all of you have turn signals that work and furthermore that you are capable of functioning them properly. I know this because I am always behind you while you clog traffic from both directions in the parking lot. All this goes to show what greedy self centered pieces of turd you all are. When it comes to saving yourself from actually having to walk a hundred yards instead fifty, you'll do everything you can and slow down as many people as it takes to get to that space and get your blinker on. (I especially like it when you pull too close to the spot so the guy trying to leave can't back out. Then you honk your horn at me behind you trying to get me to back up, so you can back up, and get your precious space. But guess what someone is behind me, and someone else is behind them, and so on, and this is all your fault because you wanted to stop and put your effing blinker on while waiting for some geriatric to get in their car and adjust their seats and mirrors and now theirs a line behind you all the way down the row.) But when we're on a highway doing seventy five miles an our between concrete barricades, no, you can't be bothered with a flick of your wrist. You suck.
More on turn signals. This is how it works:
- As you approach your turn, you engage your signal.
- THEN you begin slowing down
- When you reach your turn, you take it at a reasonable speed.
It's really easy. Don't slow down inexplicably for a half mile (you make me want to ram you) and then turn with no blinker or, in my opinion even worse, turn on the blinker as you make your turn. The guy who uses his blinker as he turns mights as well be shooting me in the groin with a bb gun it makes me so mad. If you turn without a blinker, I can assume one or more of three things:
1. You are so remarkably dumb that you still have not put together that slowing down, signaling, and turning are linked. Don't tell me you just forogt. That's not gonna fly. Did you forget to press the brake and turn the wheel? No. Why? Because you are TURNING. Signal just goes in the middle of the process. If this is you, good. Just take your turn and get off my stretch of road because you are so dumb that you will probably drift into oncoming traffic sometime soon.
2. You are just that inconsiderate. You're just driving along thinking of nothing but you and your car and your ugly girlfriend, and you just turn when its stikes you to turn. If that's you then hey, that's you. I can't do much about it. But rest assured that God will punish you mightily, and that your girlfriend is still ugly.
3. You are in a different tax bracket than me. Apparently people with really crappy cars (marked by dented fenders from being rear-ended) are exempt from signaling. Interestingly enough, so are people in really nice cars like BMWs and Lexii. I can only assume that this has something to do with income law.
I hate you for this, but I can't really do anything about it but keep hating. But the guy that goes ahead and slows down, starts turning, and then flips his signal as he's ending the turn makes me want to drag him from his car and hold him down while I puke up Doritos and mustard on his face. That's like running over somebody's dog or hitting their car in a parking lot, and then leaving a note that says "Sorry about that." You may think that at least they took the time to write the note. Oh good. That makes everything better. I'll just rub the note on my car and that dent should go away. Either make a police report and get my junk fixed or just run away and let me be pissed by myself, without the mocking company of your useless note. The note just tells me you took the time to get out, look at what you did, write a pathetic note, and then leave. You are a horrible human being, and you shouldn't have wasted your time writing little notes when you could be on the road getting into a wreck somewhere. It's the same thing with the late signal. It shows me that you know where your signal is, you know your signal works, you know you should signal, you know how to signal, you just didn't signal. Then as a pathetic little mocking useless gesture you signal just to make me really pissed off.
On the opposite end of the spectrum. Do not slow down to a crawl a quarter of a mile before your turn, and please don't slow to 0-3 mph before you make your turn. Unless your car is taller than it is wide, you will not flip or slide if you take the turn at fifteen miles an hour. I want to kill you.
Finally, if you are one of the people on the highway who speeds up when someone in front of you signals so that they can't get over, there is a special place in hell just for you.
posted by Bosephus Jamiroquai @ 1:21 PM
1 Comments:
Touche.
I did love the "more conservative haircut" bit though. LOL.
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