Here I am the in the black rectangle, because I have a black car and that is just how much of a detail-oriented guy I am. Okay let's say the speed limit is 65 mph. So for the most part everybody is crusing along at about 70-75 mph. It's hard to go much slower than that without everyone on the highway rushing to get behind you and trying to hide their entire car behind your bumper. I will concede the 5-10 mph speeding as apparently do most state troopers. (We will get to excess speeding either later in this post or at another time, depending on how quickly this post loses my interest.)
Now, in this scenario we see me staying a reasonable distance behind the vehicles in front of me because it is not unheard of for anyone at anytime on I-40 to spasmically lock their breaks for no reason whatsoever. I understand the merit of passing someone as well as anybody. You set your cruise control at what seems to be a reasonable pace, and you'd like to maintain that speed and cruise on by anyone who chooses to go more slowly than you. Unfortunately, this is sometimes not possible. Let's say I have set my cruise at a modest 73 mph which I think entitles me to the fast lane, but I don't mind getting out of the way of those coming at a bit more brisk pace. I come up on a cluster of vehicles moving at about 65 mph. These vehicles are taking up both lanes of the highway and moving along at about the same speed. Therefore the fact that it is impossible to pass this line of vehicles is beyond debate. You cannot pass this group of vehicles. YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!!!!
I will admit that this annoys me. Especially when it seems that the cause lies with either a soccer mom in a mini van talking on the cell phone in the fast lane or with two truckers that are apparently abiding by the trucker code to inconvenience everyone else on the highway in any way they possibly can. When this situation arises, common sense will tell you that the only thing you can do is wait for one of the lanes to open up. Moreover, when you have a pack of cars together like this if somebody in the front hits their breaks you are in a bad spot the farther back in the line of cars you are. This is why when I see this happening I just slow on down mutter mean things under my breath and wait for somebody in the fast lane to wake up and get out of everybody's way. It's all you can do. But I don't get too mad at these guys. They are just being sort of absent-minded and inconsiderate but I guess every body does that from time to time, right?
No. What kills me is the guy in the sixty thousand dollar BMW SUV (who should be choked on general principle anyway) that rolls up on my bumper at 85 mph and slams on his breaks and swerves left and right trying to get around me. I am in a camaro and he is in an SUV and I can't even see his headlights. I actually think he's going to ram me when he first flies up on my tail. He's so close I can actually see his sunglasses and croakies. He is looking very angry at me for going so slow and obviously wants me to speed up or get out of his way. What exactly would you like me to do you moron? Merge over into the Mack Truck to my right? Pull off onto the shoulder? Or maybe, best of all, you'd like me to speed up enough to gain thirty yards on the car in front of me so we can join the slow-moving pack of morons. Even if I could get out of you way you'd only get thirty yards in front of me and then get stuck. Meanwhile all I'd have to do is give my brakes a little tappy tap and you'd get your junk ruined. I really want an x-ray gun mounted in my car so that at the very least I can sterilize these idiots to make sure they don't reproduce.
One day I am just going call in sick to work when this happens and follow this idiot to wherever he's going. If it's not a burning building or a hospital delivery room I am going to hit him in the back of the head with a broomstick. No words. No questions. No explanation. Just WHAM! and he goes down with a horrible, horrible lump in his head. The kind that makes your crotch tingle while you involuntarily rub really fast with the palm of your hand and dance around on your toes. Then I'll hand him a note telling him what an idiot he is and while he's reading it he'll look up to find me peeing on his leg. Finally, just as he begins to object -- another broom handle across the teeth and a foot to the crotch.
If I can work one up, I'll fart when I'm walking away, too.
posted by Bosephus Jamiroquai @ 11:10 AM
3 Comments:
If you do decide to follow one of these tailgating jerks to wherever it is they're going one day, please PLEASE take me with you. They say a good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend is sitting in jail with you. I want to be that great friend.
I'm a wimp. I just wanna see it happen. It amazes me that people will STILL ride your bumper at 20 mph over the speed limit.
Ahhhh, what a joy to see the return of David's "Guide to Idiots on the Road". I still tear up with laughter at the gravel truck story...this is a worthy successor. I think we've all been in that situation before and have all wished that we could, for an instant, be in James Bond's car. You know, just enough time to hit that little oil slick button and then zap back into our own normal vehicles. Then just whistle a cheerful tune as we wait for the fast lane to open up.
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